Depression, Determination, and Defeat
by dancer4life1234
Summary: A fic based off three songs. After "Roots"


_**A/N: Hi! Thank you for reading this fic! It's a one-shot and also the first fic I've done about/for Haven. I don't know about anyone else, but I was a bit upset when Audrey actually went out with Brody. Of course though I understand that it will probably take a while before Audrey and Nathan get together, but it still bugged me.^^'**_

_**Anyway this fic is a response to that nagging in my head. It is based off three songs: Lonelily by Damien Rice, Make You Feel My Love, sung by Adele, and Samson by Regina Spektor. These songs represent what I believe Nathan was feeling and thinking at the time of his phone call that was ignored. They don't really go together but bear with me. I absolutely suggest listening to each of them considering they are sung by amazing and talented artists. Even more so I suggest listening to them while you're reading this fic. It just adds a whole 'nother dimension to the story.**_

_**Sorry for the long-ass author's note! ^^'**_

_**Thanks for reading! And now enjoy, Depression, Determination, and Defeat!  
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**Lonelily**

_I gave me away_

_I could have knocked off the evening_

_But a lonelily landed my waltz in her hands_

_In a way I felt you were leaving me_

_I was sure I wouldn't find you at home_

_And you let me down_

_Could have knocked off the evening_

_But you lonelily let him push under your bone_

_You let me down_

_It's no use deceiving_

_Neither of us wanna be alone_

_You're coming home_

_I gave me away_

_I could have knocked off the evening_

_But I was lonelily looking for someone to hold_

_In a way I lost all I believed in_

_And I never found myself so low_

_And you let me down_

_You could've called if you'd needed_

_But you lonelily got yourself locked and instead_

_You let me down_

_It's one thing being cheated_

_But you took him all the way through your bed_

The phone lay dead in his hand. It wouldn't vibrate for all the money in the world. All the money he would give just to see the screen flash with its familiar bold letters, to find the name AUDREY being carved into his mind again as a memory for safe keeping.

He gripped the phone ferociously, knowing that the curves and contours were slowly edging their way into the palm of his hand.

God, what he would give to just feel a stupid phone in his hands! To feel the cool metal touch his skin, and gradually warm. He reached up to touch his cheek, to make sure that nothing had changed. It hadn't. He knew that there was only one thing he could feel. Well, one person.

He sighed and leaned back in his chair. _If only I was faster, if only I was more headstrong, if only_…., plagued his mind. He knew none of that would matter now. Their entwined hands pushed his heart down to the bottom of his stomach.

It was obvious, really, where she was. But he did not like that thought in the slightest, because sitting there in his office, he couldn't do anything.

**Make You Feel My Love**

_When the rain_

_Is blowing in your face_

_And the whole world_

_Is on your case_

_I could offer you_

_A warm embrace_

_To make you feel my love_

_When the evening shadows_

_And the stars appear_

_And there is no one there_

_To dry your tears_

_I could hold you_

_For a million years_

_To make you feel my love_

_I know you haven't made your mind up yet_

_But I would never do you wrong_

_I've known it from the moment_

_That we met_

_No doubt in my mind_

_Where you belong_

As he left his office, a glimpse of his old shared office, sitting there with the door slightly ajar, was caught in the corner of his eye. He contemplated a moment, and walked in.

He looked to his old desk, and saw that it had not been touched since he left it. Dust was settled on top of it. He looked to his left. Audrey's desk. There atop it, sat a copy of the Colorado Kid article.

"_You know that friends thing. I don't think I ever really had any. But I do now. And so do you."_

It seemed like fate. Meeting a woman whom he could feel. But at the moment it seemed that fate had started a game of tug o' war between two men who wanted nothing more than be normal.

There was only one thing he could do. He would be impetuous in the fight for Audrey. Yet he still wanted her to choose. He did not want love in the form of pity or sympathy. He wanted it in its truest form. He wanted it overflowing like the crystal clear waters that flowed over the Niagara Falls.

He wanted love, to be loved, to love. He wanted Audrey to be his, but more than that he wanted her have every happiness. And he would have to realize that for that to happen, he might just have to be a shoulder to lean on.

**Samson**

_You are my sweetest downfall_

_I loved you first, I loved you first_

_Beneath the stars came fallin' on our heads_

_But they're just old light, they're just old light_

_Your hair was long when we first met_

Dreams are the most frightening and exhilarating things. A dream wakes up the demons that lie in the darkest and strangest depths of our hearts. They awaken the fears, the hopes that every human keeps under lock and key. And sometimes watching those dreams take shape in front of ourselves can be…

He lay there, watching the ceiling fan go around, only to find itself in the same spot it had started, like a dog chasing its tail. He didn't know how he felt anymore. The numbness that engulfed his body, now had taken his mind as its own as well. He let his eyelids close, let his body shut down. He sank deeper into the worn mattress. He felt like the dog chasing its tail. Trying to catch something that already had been attached to him all along. He was confused.

Maybe forgetting is easier than accepting, he thought, before sleep claimed him prisoner, and the day melted away to form the night's dream.

_**A/N: Whadja think? O.O I would definitely appreciate reviews. Constructive criticisms are absolutely appreciated! This is only my second attempt at fan fiction, so help a girl out! Press the pretty blue button! I will give cookies….**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Haven. It belongs to Syfy and Stephen King**_


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